THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN YOU ARE LOCKED IN A HOUSE WITH 1 MEAN LAZY BALL OF FUR CAT, 1 CRAZY CUTE DOG, 3 MESSY ANGELS FOR CHILDREN, 1 HUSBAND WHOM IS ANNOYING YOU SO DARN SWEET IT MAKES YOUR TEETH HURT BECAUSE A BLIZZARD HAS TORE THROUGH YOUR TOWN AND LEFT 11 INCHES OF SNOW WHICH CAUSED SCHOOL TO BE CANCELED 3 DAYS IN A ROW AND IT IS SO COLD OUTSIDE THAT YOU CAN NOT EVEN GO TO THE GROCERY STORE TO GET A GALLON OF MILK JUST TO ESCAPE THE MADNESS FOR 15 MINUTES.
(longest title EVER known to man-kind for a blog post)
* Do not play Uno with your 9 year old ... whom is already out for blood ... due to the factor that you have beat her 9568 times during the past two days.
Why you might ask?!?!? Well ... let me just tell you that it involves the 9 year old secretly plotting out how to play every single Draw 4, Skip and Reverse in all 4 colors ... when you somehow ended up with the crappiest hand ever delt.
* Do not agree on allowing the kids get out the Play Dough while you are in the shower.
AND when they come back and ask you if they can get out ALL of the Play Dough ... while you are in the process of shavng your legs ... which have not been shaved for nearly a week ... and you already cut yourself once ... because you had to get out of the shower and get a new razor ... because you made the blade on the other razor go dull with all the madness growing on your legs ...
Take a moment BEFORE YOU ANSWER.
DO NOT say yes instantly.
DO NOT DO IT!
Just because you have blood running down your leg ... because of the new flippin razor ... that just cut you AGAIN ... due to a child running into the bathroom ... screaming "MOMMY!" ... and it scared the pee out of you ... and you cut yourself ... AGAIN!
Take a moment to be sure what you are agreeing to.
If you just instantly say, "FINE". You will be making a BIG mistake. Due to the factor that your Mother-in-law got the kids 3 buckets of EIGHT POUNDS of Play Dough for Christmas ... and your own Mother got the children every Play Dough toy known to man kind for Christmas as well.
A big fat mess will be patiently waiting for you once you get done with that shower.
* When you and your husband take the children sledding ... in snow drifts that are up to your hips ... do not wear your pretty Ugg boots with no fuzzy socks on your feet.
I promise you ... you will want to go home WAY before the kids are ready to go home.
* Also ... when your husband "suggest" to your 6 year old son ... to let him give him a little "boost" down the hill. Grab your 6 year old son ... and run! Run FAST!
If you do not do this ... your husband is likely to SHOVE your 6 year old son so hard down the hill ... that he will go air born at some point in time ... fly off of his sled ... and land face first in the snow.
* When the kids ask if they can dump all of the legos on the living room floor to build something ... direct them back up the stairs and inform them that dumping it on their bedroom floor would be WAY more fun.
Otherwise ... when it comes time to picking up the legos ... 3 children will somehow miss NUMEROUS itty bitty legos ... and you WILL step on them in the dark as you are locking up the house.
And it will hurt.
BAD.
* When your husband gets his first snow day in FIVE YEARS ... don't get to excited.
He will discover that 2 other neighbors also got a snow day and he will end up leaving to have lunch with them ... while you are sitting the kitchen table having macaroni and cheese for the 67th time this past month.
* DO NOT mop your floor 2 days prior of a blizzard.
It is a waste of time.
Kids + snow boots = muddy snow piles
* Do not assume that since you told your children to take off their snowy boots at the front door ... that you do not have to instruct your husband of the samething.
If you assume that he "knows" to do this ... it will only upset you later ... when you see the muddy mess that he is standing in smack dab in the middle of the kitchen.
That you mopped 2 days prior.
* When going to the grocery store to get milk the night before the blizzard is gonna hit ... don't forget the liquor store on your way home.
No seriously.
Don't forget it.
I did ... and I am paying the price now.
* While taking a nap in your nice warm bed on Day 1 of the blizzard ... be sure you wake up completely when you 8 year old comes and ask you if she can have a snack.
If you do not wake up completely ... and just say "Yes".
It is likely that she will reply with "Can I eat what ever I want".
This is the criticial part!
Are you ready for this?!?!?!
Even if you are still in the middle of your dream of being on a beach in a bikini with no stretch marks looking hot as ever drinking a yummy drink ... and reply with "Yes".
Be prepared!
Because when you wake up from your dream and realize you are still on lock down ... and venture down the stairs. It is possible ... that you will see ice cream bar wrappers on the cabinet, empty cereal box, yogurt in the trash and other items you did not even know you had bought in the past few years sprawled along the cabinet.
Oh yeah ... you will also have 3 kids on a major sugar high at that point in time.
* When you decide it would be a great idea to get all 3 light brights out and have the kids make a cool design ... then shut off all the lights ... and admire their creations ...
Be sure you deep down realize that since it was your idea ... you will most likely be the one picking up the mess.
AND ... when you step on something that night as you are locking up the downstairs ... remember it is your own fault.
* When your 8 year old comes up with the plan of folding up pieces of paper and cutting the smallest pieces out of the paper in hopes of making a snow flake as an afternoon project ... have the shop-vac on standby.
* When your 9 year old and 8 year old decide to play dress up ... and they go into the bathroom and shut the door ... and you hear ALOT of giggles seeping out from underneath the door ... and you hear your son saying "I am gonna tell Mom" ...
Do not just sit downstairs and roll your eyes and decided that you will deal with it later.
Later will involve your son's face being covered in makeup to make him look like a monster ... when he actually looks more like a hooker after a really bad night.
* Do not play Candy Land with your son if he has a competive edge and hates loosing.
Send him immediately to your husband to play the game instead.
Otherwise ... you will suddenly have a cute little gingerbread man flying past your nose ... and a sweet little voice that suddenly sounds like a linebacker for the Chicago Bears saying "I quit" ... because he drew a gum drop and had to basically start back over.
Last but not least ...
* When taking the kids sledding ... and your husband sits down on one of the sleds and ask your son to sit on his lap ... declare it is time to go.
Right then and there!
If you do not demand everyone to load up and head home ... you will have your husband flying one way off the sled ... while your son goes the other way.
While you so badly wanna laugh at your husband who toppled head over feet numerous times down the hill and now has snow covering his entire face ... you are more concerned about your son who suddenly has a dazed look on his face ... while looking around ... not sure who to blame for his sudden dislike of sledding.
